You Did Not Win The Internet

Illustration for article titled You Did Not Win The Internet

Dear Web Site Commenter:

I am writing in response to your recent Comment on the Web Site. It was very witty/insightful/snarky/funny, and as a reader of this Web Site, I enjoy witty/insightful/snarky/funny Comments. I wanted to let you know I enjoyed it. It was a great Comment. I enjoyed it so much I had to write back and tell you about how much I enjoyed it.


However great it was, I also wanted you to know: despite what some other Commenter said, you did NOT win the Internet. You can't win the Internet. The Internet is too big.

As I said before, I liked your Comment a whole bunch. But somewhere else on the Internet, some guy is searching for pictures of Shakira's toes. Somewhere else a woman is self-diagnosing herself with rheumatoid arthritis. In yet another place, some kid is searching for every single Chima video in existence. They do not care about your Comment at all, and will not be pleased to know you now have the Internet.


The Internet will not shut down for the rest of the day. For one thing, it can't shut down for the rest of the day, because on the Internet it's always the end of the day and the start of the day somewhere. The Internet is global, man. How will it know when to start again?

I would give you a coupon that says "Good For One Free Internet," but you and I both know that's worthless. Good luck getting Zuckerberg to honor that coupon. Didn't you see how he treated those people in The Social Network? I wouldn't be surprised if he's remotely destroyed your computer by now. I think that feature was in the latest redesign.


Who is this person giving you the Internet? Did he win the Internet yesterday? How did he win it? When someone gives you something for free like that, it's probably stolen. People on the Internet steal things all the time. The police aren't going to believe you when you say you won it. They hear that shit all the time. Depending on the jurisdiction, Obtaining the Internet by False Pretenses is a Class IV felony.

What would you do with the Internet, anyway? I've seen lots of the Internet, and it's crap. Look at all those cat pictures! Look at all those misinformed dolts! LOOK AT ALL THOSE "NICE GUYS"! It seems more trouble than it's worth, if you ask me.


Don't you know how many people would want to kill you if you won the Internet? In fact, somebody who didn't think your Comment was very witty/insightful/snarky/funny is currently trying to find out who you are. When he does, he'll mail a box of brown recluse spiders covered with anthrax to your house. Imagine how many people will do that if you won the whole Internet! There's some wacky people on the Internet, dude. They're thirsty for power, and they won't hesitate to turn your life into an episode of Breaking Bad.

Although that Comment was nice, you did not win the Internet. You are but a fleck of dust in the great cosmic swirl of the Internet. Do not ever forget that. Enjoy your well-earned praise, for the next time this could be you.

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